Category Archives: Journals

Maybe You Aren’t Feeling It This Christmas

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On holidays like Christmas, it can be so hard to look at Facebook and see one family picture after another – every family seemingly so happy and joyful being together.  It is easy to think this is all as real and happy as it appears on Facebook.  But is it really?  Is this really reality?  The truth is that it isn’t.  Facebook is not really a place where people are transparent and show their lives as they really are.  This Christmas hit me hard yesterday as I attended one of the Christmas Eve services at my church in Northern Virginia.  Up until the service, the holidays had been okay for me.  Suddenly, I found myself crying throughout the service – feeling so alone (as I went alone and sat in one of the few empty seats by myself).  It APPEARED as though everyone else was experiencing the service and Christmas with immediate and extended family members in attendance.  The enemy started sending piercing arrows my way:

  1. “You are alone, always have been, and always will be.” – Truth: I am never and will never be alone with Jesus.
  2. “You don’t belong, why are you even here in this service.”  – Truth: It is my right as God’s child to come into His Presence, join in community with His Body, and worship Him.
  3. “Look at the families everyone else has to enjoy.” – Truth: All is not as it seems.  It is a matter of perception.

The sermon was on the parable of the 2 Sons – both prodigals.  As I sat, listened, and wept, I identified mostly with the younger son.  I feel as though I have spent my time, energy, finances, and emotions on things that don’t satisfy and I feel utterly empty, an emptiness that only Jesus can fill and satisfy.  You may ask, “how can I feel this way when I am a Christian?”  The Christian life is not a perfect, happy, and joyful life day in and day out that is free of grief, loss, trial, tragedy, and struggle.  Reality still exists.  I was quickly reminded of a book a friend had recommended to me several months back called “The Prodigal God” by Timothy Keller and I have been reading it since the service yesterday.  As I was reading it this morning, I read a line about rights and was reminded of a blog I wrote 3 years ago about Gratitude and Entitlement.  Here is part of that blog:

I want to say along with David in Psalm 16:6:  “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    surely I have a delightful inheritance.” (NIV)

I have learned that I have no rights except these:
1. To be adopted as God’s child because of Jesus.
2. To cry Abba, Father.
3. To come boldly to the throne of grace anytime, any place, for any reason.
4. To worship Him with every part of me forever.

I am learning that ALL IS GIFT.  Everything I have today is a gift from God.  I came into this world with nothing and I will leave the same way some day. As I have learned about having no rights and receiving everything that happens and everything I am given as a gift from my Father, I have found great freedom.

When I live believing that I have rights to things, I end up feeling at the mercy of those things and feel despair when things don’t happen the way I think they should or things just aren’t the way I think they should be.  When I live out of a place of gratitude where all is gift, I experience true freedom and true peace. It is all a matter of attitude and perspective.

Today, what this means to me is this: I will live today out of gratitude and I will receive ALL as gift: my aloneness, my singleness, my emotions, my emptiness, my weariness from the last year, my fickle emotions, my periodic struggles with doubt and unbelief, and everything else that the enemy may present to me as a loss, or failure on the part of my Heavenly Father to care for and love me perfectly.  Each of the things I have listed I can be grateful for if I choose to.  Why choose to be grateful?  Because in every one of these areas, God is working and He will be glorified above all else!!  He created me with all of my struggles, failures, and feelings that HE MAY BE GLORIFIED ABOVE ALL!  May you realize you have no rights this Christmas and may He be glorified as you choose gratitude!!  Blessings.

 

Can Pain Be a Good Thing?

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Pain is a small word  that packs a big “punch.”  It conjures up so many feelings, thoughts, and emotions in people.  I found this excellent definition (medicinenet.com):

Pain: An unpleasant sensation that can range from mild, localized discomfort to agony. Pain has both physical and emotional components. The physical part of pain results from nerve stimulation. Pain may be contained to a discrete area, as in an injury, or it can be more diffuse, as in disorders like fibromyalgia. Pain is mediated by specific nerve fibers that carry the pain impulses to the brain where their conscious appreciation may be modified by many factors.

painIn general, people associate pain with something negative and it can be physical or emotional.  My recent foot surgery has made me contemplate how pain can be a good thing.  In March of this year, I tore the peroneal tendon on the outside of my left foot.  I was in a boot for 7 weeks hoping it would heal, but it didn’t.  I was in continual pain as additional tests were run and my doctor found out the tendon was torn and would need to be repaired surgically.  So the pain pre-surgery was a bad thing and signified something was very wrong.  The pain post-surgery was severe at first and has  lessened in the last several weeks.  I continue to have numbness in my toes and “zinger” pains from the nerves that were cut.  The pain I have experienced post surgery is a GOOD thing because it means my foot is healing – the “zingers” mean that the nerves that were cut are ALIVE and regenerating and rebuilding their connections.  This process of healing will take months to fully restore.  My pain is normal and will pass.  It is for a season.

Although I have focused on physical pain, Emotional pain can work the same way – it can be seen as a good or bad thing.  In the throws of either pain, it seems impossible to view any pain as good at the time.   It is through pain that we go through that allows us to identify, pray for, and minister to others going through the same things.  This is one of the ways God uses our pain, scars, brokenness to bring healing to those around us.

Observations:

  1. Pain can be GOOD
  2. Pain means I am ALIVE
  3. Pain can mean that God is healing me
  4. Pain is uncomfortable and can be extreme at times
  5. Pain can indicate an area (physical or emotional) in my life that God wants to heal
  6. The scars from my pain allow God to use me to minister to others out of my own pain and experiences
  7. Pain is normal and we will all experience it at one time or another
  8. The healing process will take time

When God allows any kind of pain in our lives, maybe we need to step back and see if we are seeing the cup half empty or half full.  God can use any pain for His glory.

Laid Waste At the Manger

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Have you ever wondered what it really means to be “laid waste” by something? It means to be devastated, ruined, wasted, crushed, and overwhelmed.  This Christmas I am absolutely laid waste at the manger by the love, mercy, grace, and tenderness of my Savior Jesus! It is so overwhelming, all I can do is cry.

prayer-on-my-knees4.25202212_std  This blog is for anyone needing hope, peace, encouragement, joy or purpose and anyone struggling with addictions, self-hatred, hopelessness, anxiety, depression, or lack of purpose.

There once was a little girl who grew up in a semi-Christian home – her family was always at church, but at home it was a very abusive dysfunctional environment.  Perfectionism was demanded and nothing she ever did was enough.  She always wanted to run away or die to escape the torment, the abuse, and the feelings of being trapped.  She had only a handful of friends and none she would want to come to her home to see what her life was really like..  She lived for the day when she would graduate from high school and leave home.  Her childhood was one of hopelessness, desperation, and neediness, though she was taught to never ask for anything as she would be a “bother” to others.  As a young child, the criticism over her weight by her family was so pervasive that she began to try to destroy her body through self-injury.  She was trapped in an unbearable emotional pain with no other way to express it or find relief.  There appeared to be little hope for her, that she would ever be successful, married, or amount to anything.  One thing that was so amazing about this little girl is that God made her resilient and persistent – no matter how bad things were growing up and even into her adult life, she would never give up and never stop seeking God to heal and restore her.  The struggle with self injury and other addictions continued for 20+ years.  She never gave up.  For decades she struggled with self-injury, financial debt, neediness, depression, and brokenness.  Then 3 years ago God brought her to a land of milk and honey, or so it seemed.  It was a place where He would lead her out of the wilderness and into a land of freedom, hope. and joy unspeakable. Her life would soon change as God began to break off every chain that had held her in bondage – despair, depression, self-hatred, self-centeredness, anger, self-pity, financial bondage, addictions and hopelessness.  Because of His mercy and her willingness to forgive, Jesus has changed this young woman into the most beautiful blossoming butterfly!  Her heart is so full!  Full of gratitude, love, hope, and a heart to serve others.  He has given her a wonderful career covered by the favor of God; a body of believers who cherish her and build her up; a ministry of prayer and supporting others in life crises; financial freedom and blessing.  By the way, did I mention God named her HOPE?

hopeThis week was a culmination of many things – the discharge of a Chapter 13 bankruptcy after paying 100% of my debt over 50 months; paying off all other miscellaneous debt in full; continued favor and financial blessing in my career, and a new car.  The car is the least of these.  I am laid waste by this story and where God has brought me to today – to be a vibrant young woman full of joy, life, and a love for Jesus and serving others.  I am laid waste that He would take a child so broken and in such desperation and bring such unspeakable freedom, joy, and life to her!  I am a a mighty arrow in the hand of my God.  My only HOPE is Jesus and He is my EVERYTHING – my reason for living, my reason for joy, and the reason for this Christmas season!  God bless you and your families during this amazing Season.  May you take time to reflect on the manger and may you be laid waste by this indescribable, merciful, loving God!